How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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