It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
