Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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