Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
