can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
