you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
