Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
