im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
