If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
