I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
