hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize