i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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