I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
