Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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