Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize