winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
