i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
