We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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