So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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