Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
