12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
