there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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