im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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