I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Randomize
