apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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