Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
