It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
pray to the hookup gods
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
