so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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