i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
