I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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