They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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