If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
