He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
