my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
please come you make the beer taste better
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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