dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
my liver is dry heaving
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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