i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
