the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize