My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
