I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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