got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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