grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
