Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
