so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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