i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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