he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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