idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize