my mouth tastes like poor choices
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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