how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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