Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
