just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
What a dumb baby whore.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
