im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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