When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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