I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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