It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
