There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
