I swear god or herbie drove my car home
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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