I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
BRING THE BAGELS
Randomize
