i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
